The Unwanted Visitor

January 28, 2022


I would wake up some mornings and I would
feel it hovering over me. Like a thick dark
cloud, it would envelop me, clutching my
heart and my soul.

I could not explain what it was but I would
find myself feeling blue, I guess I could
call it a combination of despair, hopelessness
and worthlessness.

Depression they called it!
It become a regular visitor to my heart and
I would open the doors wide for it to come in.
It became so familiar that I would know the
moment I woke up in the morning that it was
there waiting.

I did not know how to shut the door against it.
It came with such a force that I was often
helpless, many times I would be in tears.
Other times I would wish myself dead.
I would be in that state of mind for days,
weeks and perhaps months.

How could I explain this all?
This thing that left me in a pitiable mess was
slowly sucking the life out of me.
I lost all sense of joy, I was bitter, angry
and always irritable.

Nothing meant anything, the only light in my
heart that time was when I looked at my kids
and I would feel a flicker of hope.
The flicker of hope sometimes wasn’t even
there and in those times I would take out
my frustration on them.

I started drying up slowly, I became a shadow
of myself.
What I was feeling on the inside began to
reflect on the outside; dark, ugly and drained.

I was often sick and always wanted to stay in bed.
It got to a peak in 2015 and I developed high
blood pressure and had to be on medication.
I remember saying my last prayers so many
nights before going to sleep. I just wanted
to die!

I will never forget how I went for a friend’s
funeral and wished I was the one lying dead
I felt I had nothing to live for!

Christmas time was often miserable for me.
I would put up a happy face but would be crying
on the inside.

Sometime in 2017, I made a new friend who was like
an Elizabeth to me, many times I would call her
just to talk and cry.
She held my hands through the haze and murky
waters of depression.

The frequency started reducing but ever so often it
would barge in on me and I would be in the pits again.
God bless this woman for me! She was reliable and
loving but even all of that couldn’t rescue me
from the pangs of this monster!.

Then I met the person of the Holy Spirit in 2020!
He started changing me
Gradually, He started plucking out the barnacles
in my heart.

I will never forget the day we were praying in
our smaller PSSBC school 7 group and I started
I couldn’t pray any longer, I kept laughing till
the prayers were over!
My kids ran to call my husband to come see me on
the floor laughing hysterically!

A spring of joy was opened up in my heart that day,
that spring has become a mighty waterfall.
There is an unending flow of joy in my heart,
my soul and in my life. It’s so tangible that
it can be felt and touched.

I find humor in almost everything!
I literally spread joy and laughter wherever I go.

There is a river of life that flows from the
throne of heaven. I drink from its streams of
rejoicing, a river that never runs dry!
Thank You Holy Spirit!

Halleluya I am free!

Ibiwari Perrin-Oglafa 2022.

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