Can a snake kill itself by biting itself? This was a question that had been in my mind for a long time. I didn’t randomly come about the question. I was with a young couple in 2016, the young man was a campus fellowship leader who had to declare publicly to the fellowship soon that he was in a relationship with the young lady but was weary of doing so The young lady was the one that called for the meeting. She reached out to me and with a strong complain about the conduct of the young man towards her.
She said they had been friends from the moment they met in their first year at the university and by their second year, they had both become convinced they were meant to be more than friends. They had both prayed and fasted about a divine direction regarding marriage and God led them to each other. She said she didn’t think twice when he eventually outlined his plans for the future and asked her to be his life partner. They were both in their mid twenties, she had completed her National Diploma before switching to the University through the Direct Entry, while he had also taken some time off after secondary school to work and save towards his education. It was very clear that they love each other.
The campus fellowship they both belong to had a rule for their ministers; they were required to declare their relationship status to the fellowship before taking up leadership roles. This was to encourage transparency and accountability within the fellowship. She says he suddenly developed cold feet about announcing her as his babe when he was nominated to the post of Drama Coordinator. He says it had nothing to do with her but everything to do with him. He was not sure he wanted the position because he was still praying about it. He didn’t have to announce his relationship status until he had picked up the role. She insisted he was reluctant to pick up the role so as not to announce her as his babe. That was the argument, so I asked her why she felt he should pick up the role. She said he had been acting in the capacity of the drama coordinator since he was in his first year in the university and it makes no sense that he would suddenly decide he doesn’t want the role anymore, especially as he was still acting in that capacity in the fellowship.
I sensed there was something they were both side stepping as they spoke. There was an issue of trust So I asked her how she felt about other ladies from the drama group and the fellowship coming around him. She smiled and said “Sir, that is the issue, that drama group is too lax and free. I am not saying they are doing anything ungodly or sinful i am just saying drama as a ministry is too expressive and emotional. I don’t even take it seriously as a ministry that benefits the church. There was no drama ministry in the Bible. Isn’t make belief a form of lie and pretense? No matter how good the message is, the means through which the message is delivered is also important for effective communication. As a person, I might be wrong but this is my strong opinion, drama is a very questionable means of teaching the gospel. I had discussed it with him. I want him to join the Sunday School teachers or the prayer band team; a serious team that does not require all sorts of characters coming around him. So many ladies in that drama department are not born again, that is why they can act so many roles convincingly. A Christian shouldn’t be able to play carnal roles unless he or she is carnal in the heart or desiring to become carnal. I have discussed this with him since we started going out, he said he does not see himself doing anything apart from drama ministration.
He is good at it I cannot deny that, but how can a born again Christian be good at something like drama? He will play the role of a drunk or a womanizer or a herbalist convincingly, it bothers me that he might not really know the Lord yet. Anyone who really knows the Lord should have forgotten the ways of the “world”. When she kept quiet, he began to laugh. His laughter made her uncomfortable but the laughter was meaningful. It was a reference to a truth they both shared, but one she was keeping from me. She looked at him and responded by saying; “It is true that I am very jealous and i have trust issues”. The ladies in the drama group and even the guys behave too casually and friendly towards each other, I always feel like an outsider when I am around them and this makes me very uncomfortable. Because of the role he plays as their leader, they are always around him and sometimes they don’t regard me as more than his friend. This is why he needed to make the position formal and announce me as his babe. That way it is official and all the ladies will know he is a no go area and stay away from him.
I have seen the same scenario playing out in several forms over the years, so I asked her the obvious question “Do you trust him?” “Pastor, I just told you I have trust issues a few minutes ago, I don’t trust anybody, I don’t know how to. I have tried to look away, do other things, keep away from his department and mind my business, but I cannot. I check his phone always, looking for clues or signs that somebody is trying to play a fast one on him. You know that men are very gullible! They always fall cheaply for the wiles of women. I am a woman and I know what I am talking about but instead of Him to let me protect him, he sees my actions as negative and before I knew it, he passworded his phone and refused to give me the password”. The young man looked at her and Shook his head, he said “Didn’t you Have a password on your phone?” She nodded! Did I ever accuse you that you passworded your phones because you didn’t want me to see the chat and text messages of men who admire you and might want to be with you?” She looked at him intently and called His name; “So and so, have I ever had an Admirer or a Toaster I didn’t tell you about?” “No!” he responded “Now have you ever told me about other ladies you like and might want to be with before?” “No I have not because there has never been any!” She laughed and said “Do you think I was Born yesterday? Do you expect me to believe that?” At this he looked at me with that “help me” look, I smiled at him reassuringly, then he said “I passworded my phone because my phone insisted that I cannot instal a banking app on the phone without a password. I have explained this to you Several times” She said; “I remember but why didn’t you tell me the password? Why are you keeping Secrets?” He said; “I am not keeping secrets, I just don’t think it is healthy for me to continue enabling your jealousy by making excuses for it. It is either you deal with it or this Relationship is over, I cannot cope with it” She said; “Finally, you have said what is on your mind from the beginning. This was why you refused to announce me to everyone in the fellowship as the one you are seeing. You still have doubts about us and you’re just wasting my time! Thank you for telling the truth! Thank you for finally admitting that you don’t see a future for us! Her body language changed, I can see that she wanted to walk out, I kept starring at her until she calmed down.
I have seen her reaction so many times I have also heard her argument so many times. Many ladies are plagued with jealousy. The conversation always goes the same way. They will do anything to keep the man to themselves. Some will even go as far as using charms and other demonic things to tie the man down because men cannot help themselves. Nothing ruins a good relationship like jealousy. Either from the man or from the woman. The jealous partner will almost always go too far for comfort. The demands of the jealous partner are never ending.
I have met with a couple who had been married for six years. The wife went to buy a piece of land in the middle of nowhere and insisted that her husband must build it, resign his job and move Into the forest with her. That was the last straw for their marriage. The man walked out joyfully. It is true that most marriages were built on good intentions. The man and the woman ideally do not set out to make life hell for each other. The cause of rift is sometimes external, sometimes internal or both. Jealousy is an internal factor like the venom of a snake, it is harmless to the snake itself and even protects it, but it gives the snake a bad reputation. Nobody wants to be friends with a snake. Other animals keep far away from it. Even snakes don’t befriend snakes. A jealous person always ends up alone, even in the midst of people he or should regard as friends All he or she sees are red flags.
The couple left my office after two hours of counsel. I knew the relationship wouldn’t work out. The young man had weighed his nature against the relationship and had decided to choose being himself rather than remain with her and pretending to be someone else. The lady called me to report that they had broken up a month later. I listened patiently and counseled her. Two years later, she came back from from her NYSC with a ring. Another brother had seen the light hallelujah! They got married in December 2018. I got a call from the brother this Morning He had left their flat for her. I asked him why, he said he had a dry cleaning business he had been doing from his university days. He had employees that had worked with him faithfully as the business grew. As soon as he got married, his wife had issues with all the female members of his team. He had to sack them. Then she volunteered to help him out at the office on weekends so that he can take some much-needed rest. He agreed! Within six months, all his female customers had left. By the time he noticed, it was too late. He called many of them and they told him his wife practically chased them away. As far as he was concerned, she ruined his business purposefully because she didn’t want him to succeed! I had to explain to him that she meant no harm. To her mind, she was protecting her husband from both seen and unseen dangers in form of a woman Unknown to her, the more she listened to and acted as instructed by her jealousy, the more she was losing the very person she was trying to protect.
Like a snake biting itself in agony, it didn’t know it can commit suicide by biting herself provided that it bites itself in such a way that the venom directly enters the bloodstream.
Ps: This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would. But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. (Gal. 5:16-21, KJV).
Jealousy is root of comparison, over expectations, insecurities and over demanding or imitating nature. It takes lots of efforts to come out of such feelings and be happy with whatever one would have in his life. One should understand that feeling of jealousy creates negativity, inferiority complex and disappointment. Avoid comparison of yourself with others. Best way is to count blessings and improve yourself to live more happily. -Nishar Kuwar
She lives alone at the moment. Her husband has sworn to have nothing to do with her, insisting he would rather remain single than remain with her. We are trusting God for a change of heart for him. She however did not understand what all the fuss was all about. In her opinion, there are better businesses he could be doing rather than dry cleaning. He could be selling male sports Jerseys or running a boutique for men’s clothes. Why must he engage in dry cleaning? And if he must do dry cleaning, why couldn’t he specialize in male clothes only?