Fixing Self

January 15, 2024


Fights in the marriage became constant as soon as they began to live together

They seemed unable to go a day without trying to tear each other down

The wife was the first to take the matter to a Pastor

The pastor listened to her and said “Your marriage is yet young, and you both are so opinionated without trying to come to a compromise, why don’t you try listening to your husband for a change? When he gets his wrong, then you can adopt your solutions. You don’t have to insist on your way all the time

There are several ways to skin a rabbit, as long as the broth is made and you guys eat a good meal, why must you insist on the process”

She didn’t like the Pastor’s counsel

It meant losing control or relinquishing control of her life to her husband like all those weak women whose lives were controlled by their husbands

She had seen their type several times and she couldn’t bring herself to think that was all she would end up with in the name of marriage

Her mother had asked her the same question over and over

Are you sure you want to get married?

Are you sure you ought to get married?

The way you talk and act, no man who is of the same age bracket as you will be able to live with you

Maybe if you married an older man who has the benefit of time, money, and patience, you could be happily married because he would just be treating you like a pet project!

She hated her mother for that comment too

What sort of a mother told her daughter she cou do well in marriage or that she should marry someone way older than her

She believed her mother didn’t mean her well

After dating here and there and it seemed her mother was right about younger guys and her temperament, she resorted to prayer

She believed there should be a young man out there who would be able to accept her as she was, marry her, and have a family with her

She had studied the temperaments and surely there would be at least one who would fit perfectly into her life

And God answered her prayer in a certain way

She met this guy who lived in the USA, single at the time and had serious plans of marrying her and taking her to the United States with the aim of helping her transition into nursing so that she could make good money

That was all they talked about from the moment they met

It fitted right into her goal and it seemed they were always making plans about how she would become better in life

She married him

He was a shoe salesman earning $12 per hour

His younger brother was a taxi driver in New York

He was married to a nurse and together they owned 5 houses in Nigeria

This was the picture her husband had in mind, he was just looking for a lady who would fit right into it so that they both could make big bucks and come out of poverty

As soon as they got married he realised he had made a mistake

She was determined to keep him in a straightjacket all the time

He couldn’t go out, he couldn’t have friends over, he must go to work and return home afterward or there would be war

She was studying and working at the same time

She had their life and movement tabled out and pinned to the door of the kitchen and the fridge

Where she would be and where he would be at all times of the day

He was 42, had lived in the Bronx for 22 years, and made many friends in the community, her demands were practically impossible. He couldn’t live like that

She insisted he must and she gave no quarter

Hence their incessant fights and disagreements

He realized too late that while he was focused on finding a lady who matched his ambition in life, he had assumed too many things and ignored too many things

She was not enjoying the marriage either

It was far from what she envisaged and dreamt of

She wanted a husband who would be able to shut the world out and serve her, dote on her, worship her

A man who would call her his world and would prefer her company above all else

What do they need friends for?

She had never had friends, never needed friends

She hated the awkward greetings and the assessing look of his friends who would weigh her with their minds as they checked whether he picked right or wrong

She would rather become successful and get people to come into her space seeking to benefit from her while she can offer them friendship in return than just be friends with a fellow struggler who would then become a burden at one point or the other

She didn’t see the benefit of those her husband called his friends

They go to parties together, play video games, hang out, and just waste valuable time which could have been spent on other things

He tried Introducing her to them or their wives/girlfriends but she just was not interested

The marriage didn’t last

One morning, she kept awake all night plotting how she could get him to see things her way and change to the man she wanted

He woke up that’ morning, packed his clothes, and left the house without saying a word

He didn’t even leave a note

She felt it was a thing that would pass after just a few days

She was wrong

She got served divorce papers two years later

Since he left she had met other guys but it seemed her mother was right

Her husband was the best of them in that he was ambitious and had a plan that was centered around her

The other guys he met all just wanted sex and fun

None of them saw her as more than what they could see and the pleasure they could get out of her

It was sickening

She decided she wanted her husband back

He was not that bad in retrospect

He was a believer, he didn’t have any bad habits, he was respectful, hard-working and he sacrificed a lot for her

He also understood her and spoke her language to a level

He matched her ambition and was willing to support her to fulfill her life goals

She turned to Jesus in prayer

Just as she did before meeting him

Lord, I want him back

I admit I was overbearing and heady but this divorce paper cannot stand

Like the letter Sennacherib wrote to the king Hezekiah which prophet Isaiah presented before you

I present this letter to you today Lord

If your people who are called by your name shall humble themselves and pray, you promised to look down from heaven and answer their prayer

Please, Lord, let me not call upon you in vain

Touch the heart of my husband, stir his heart my way, bring him back into my arms

I promise I will do better this time

She prayed for weeks

She moved from petition to warfare and started banning every strange woman or man in his life who was preventing him from looking her way

The court date came, she was determined to insist on settling out of court

As soon as they sat down, she noticed his lawyer was a very beautiful woman

She bit her lips so that she wouldn’t talk

After a while, she asked if she could speak to him alone

His lawyer said no

She flared up

It was not planned, it was all instinctive

How dare the lady even if she was his lawyer tell her she cannot have a sit down with her husband?

Who is she to her husband?

His lover? His girlfriend? He was always the gullible type and easy to manipulate

These were the issues she had with him from the beginning

They had to restrain her at the meeting

The judge dissolved the marriage after the sixth hearing

She was free and so was he

She wrote him a mail asking if they could start all over

She wanted a second chance

He replied by sending her his wedding invitation by mail

Not a word, just the Invitation card

He was not worthy of her in the first place…

It hit her badly but she had no option but to move on

She wrote to the Brother in Jeans and T-shirt

“Why didn’t Jesus answer my prayer?

I prayed, I fasted, I sowed seed and I made my declarations

How come I didn’t get my heart desire?”

The Brother in Jeans and T-shirt called her

They had a very long discussion

She agreed at the end of it that she needed to fix herself first

PS: We all need to fix ourselves

Whether we are married or single, widowed or divorced

We must always try to present our best version to others in our lives every day

We cannot insist others should change when we will assume we need not change or that we are to be accepted with our flaws while refusing to accept others with their flaws

You cannot be itemizing deal breakers for others while refusing to consider their own deal breakers as a thing

It cannot be your way or no way

Marriage or good relationships are built on the foundation of compromise and mutual respect


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