Curiousity and The Cat

I have always been a curious
child since I can remember.
I always wanted to know why,
and know
more. Oh well, imagine what
happened when I was exposed to
pornography.
I can’t remember the first time
but I remember being asked to
bring that CD from my uncle’s
room and was sternly warned not
to open the case. Or when you
can hear the adults whispering
and exchanging inside jokes
about sex…Guess what I did?
I opened it and saw a man
and woman in compromising positions.
What about the time I played
a CD thinking it was music videos
and BAM, I saw body parts loloxing
I closed the laptop immediately.
Yes, I closed the laptop but
my mind was far gone, wondering
why and how the screw was
able to enter the bolt with ease.

But what do they say about
curiosity again? I kept going.
I kept on digging deep.
I wanted to know what sex
was all about. I remember an
uncle playing ‘blue film’ in the
living room and everyone sat
down to watch – I was probably
less than 10yrs old.
It only stopped because
our guardian came out and
put an end to it.
It was interesting and I wanted
to know more about it. When I
was in JSS3, I could give you
5 x-rated websites offhand.
What about books? I could write
an x-rated paragraph or 2 based
on the number of mills and boons
my mind had consumed.
I used to read a lot!
I read novels, the romantic ones
– yeah, I’m a sucker for love.
But it got to a point where
a paragraph wasn’t enough anymore.
I needed more x-rated content.
I needed my ‘fix’. I started searching
for only x-rated chapters, and
x-rated novels. It was so terrible
that if I didn’t get my ‘fix’,
My day wasn’t complete.
I would physically feel off,
something was missing.
That wasn’t enough. I couldn’t
enjoy this
while I was walking or maybe
in transit. I needed a more
discreet method.

Then I sat down and started
thinking, how do deaf people
enjoy porn? There has to be
a way right? And yeah,
I graduated to audio porn.
I would be on errands and yet
with my headphones, I was listening…
My 5 mins walk wasn’t complete
without hearing a sultry voice and
the noise of bodies banging.

One day, it dawned on me
that this is an addiction.
I can’t live my life like this.
I can’t live life so dependent
on porn just to get by.
I mean, of all the things, porn…

And I didn’t even practice
any of the things I read,
just technical know-how…
I remember I was taking a walk
and I told God, I am tired,
please take this away.
I don’t want it anymore.
This was many years ago!
I didn’t even know the person
of the Holy Spirit as I do now.
It probably didn’t stop immediately.
But years down the line, the Holy
Spirit reminded me. He took me back
to that afternoon when I asked
Him to take it all away.

The marvelous thing is that even
I didn’t remember. I can’t tell you
exactly when it all stopped.
I can’t tell you what
I did or the action points
I took because I didn’t do anything!
Days when I tried by my strength,
I will relapse and binge watch
and read! He took it all.
He transformed me. He did it
in a way that nothing triggers me.
I have no triggers.
I don’t even avoid sex scenes,
I just feel a natural disgust.
I am genuinely not interested.
Like, someone even tried to
get me back into porn some
years ago, but I no fit.
It was disgusting to me!
I wasn’t interested.
The Holy Spirit reminded me that
all it took was Him stepping in.
Bottom line is if you could
save yourself, you won’t be
struggling
with that addiction right now.
Come to the One who knitted you
and is capable of renewing and
transforming you.
Stop beating the air while making
no progress or moving forward.

Stop the struggles and come and rest!
Jesus says “Come to me,
all you who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest.”,
So please come. Come today…

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