Predator

Uncle but you said I can be your friend…
I called him my bestie… easy to talk to
and bant with…so when issues happened
at home, not wanting my friends to see
my parents differently, I went to the
adult friend I had, who could better
advise me.

The touchy feely already started happening
but I always brushed it off, it escalated
the night I agreed to start going to the
gym with him, as I couldn’t afford to pay
for mine and he offered to use his membership.
When we got back he said so let’s talk.
We spoke for lengths in the back seat,
then the touch up started right while I
was vulnerable and just emotionally tired.
He placed me on his lap to sit and hug
properly, then the grinding started,
he wanted to kiss me but i didn’t…
he said it will eventually happen.
Why can I touch this and not kiss you…
but I just didn’t want to, I resisted
for a while in a closed space,
there’s only so much resistance
that can happen, plus I was vulnerable,
not strong enough to resist him and
just let it happen…
he touched everywhere, he came,
wiped up himself and asking if I felt
better and I went home.
I was stunned and couldn’t believe what
just happened.
At age 16/17 was when it started…
the guilt I felt on getting home, who
do I talk to, the One I could was the
person it happened with…

He knew my weaknesses and defences and
knew how to use them well. The words to
say, the emotion to evoke.
Perfectly planned under the guise of
friendship,mentorship and family.
It continued all forms of sexual acts
but sex, i coudln’t cross that – for
the fear of pregnancy.
He was fully immersed in my life and
with everyone I know, I couldn’t even
dream of speaking up, oh the
embarrassment, the shame not just me
but my family, the blame, the hurt
and the aftermath, it was too scary
to even imagine, that was my world
ending, no no , I couldn’t speak.

It was never an option but it always
crossed my mind. It will die with me
and it’s only me it was happening to
so it’s fine, my God knows the truth,
that is enough.

I don’t know how to feel knowing I was
the practice, to the perfection of
his vile acts.
Trial and error, knowing he couldn’t go
all the way as I was under 18 when it
all started. I took it like he respected
my choice not to have sex.
Little did i know, my friend being the
one receiving the brutal end of all he
learnt using me.
Making it seem like it was love, I was
loved – brainwashed and manipulated.
Not having anyone to talk to, he also
tried to isolate me from her, I kept it
in believing it started and ended with
me, oh the way my heart shuddered…
reading her testimony and waves of
memory came rushing back.

After mustering up the courage to break
things off.
I said I’m going to the university and
this thing must end he accepted unwillingly,
but i said my piece.
Now in uni, no one knows my past, nor what
i’ve done.
Still he tried all he could, tried to
infiltrate my safe space, wanting to
visit me.
I left everything wanting to start afresh,
I couldn’t let him have this other piece
of me.
In my room, after almost finding all the
excuses in the world to stop him from
coming.
The call ended.
I was playing some worship music just to
clear my mind and settle my heart, then
the song “reckless love” played and
I broke down in God’s presence,
I cried out why me, and begged him
to make it stop, because I’ve tried
all on my own and it always failed.
That was the moment my healing began.

Silly me, I believed him again.
He accepted the new terms of whatever
kind of friendship I was offering because
I couldn’t cross that line anymore.
We even prayed together, that we will
both heal from this error and mistake…
ohhh all the while he started with her.

It took a while as there were circumstances
where I still needed to interact with him,
but I was in the right circle,
I was committed to God as he was
committed to me.
There were things I was addicted to that
eventually broke off, I no longer remember
those hurtful things and those emotions
I had to numb down.
My joy is full, the depths of the Love of
God ohh how beautiful to experience.
I am healed, Glory to him.
I asked God to help, and he gave me
strength, renewed my mind and gave
me hope.