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Conflicted

October 9, 2024

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She said, “I am an independent woman, an alpha female, a go-getter. I am strong-willed, a bit heady, and yes, I know I can be tough. I never wanted to get married because of all these characteristics.

I had observed myself and the way I was naturally inclined to be for that reason, I told myself if marriage required submissiveness, being tethered to the leadership of another person and doing house chores while the man would be expecting me to serve him food and defer to him in all things, then it is not for me. I am a very pragmatic person, I knew I wouldn’t cope well in a traditional style kind of marriage I am bossy and impatient and I have quite a sharp tongue I cannot take nonsense from anybody, I know you have often said that marriage is not for everybody and I agree with you.

Four years ago I came to Nigeria from the United Kingdom to attend a friend’s wedding. During the wedding reception, this guy walked up to me and boldly asked me for a dance. I didn’t hesitate to dance with him I liked the attention and the fact that he didn’t know who I was. Men usually don’t notice me that way, I have had relationships here and there in the past, they never last but I have had them. The way men notice me is by association or through a third party, I am not the flashy babe that turns the heads of men or the one with a big backside and breasts that make men drool, I am beautiful and smart but not in a stunning way. The party was crowded with so many young ladies and men like him He was not with other guys He acted alone and his instinct was to come to me. We danced and then talked afterward, he is from Akwa Ibom, I am from Rivers State, he is an old schoolmate of the groom I am a cousin to the bride. We exchanged numbers and he called me that same day towards the evening I engaged him and all the talking led us down a rabbit hole I think it is only natural that when a woman opens himself up to a man and they begin to talk often, she will automatically grow fond of him.

In all these, I didn’t pretend to be who I was not I told him I am not a typical soft womanish kind of person, I don’t have girlfriends but I also don’t have male besties I am a lone ranger most of the time. I come from a polygamous background and I learned early that keeping friends is opening yourself up to saying things that can be misinterpreted or used as fodder for gossip. I have made my way through life on the strength of my hard work and determination to succeed.

Nobody handed me anything on a platter of gold, I earned every good thing I had going on in my life. He was a good listener and he told me he was not a traditional kind of man. He said he likes me and would like to be in a relationship with me.

After a few days of back and forth on the relationship thing, I told him I live in the United Kingdom and I didn’t want to do a long-distance relationship I told him to let us remain as friends, and he said he wanted more than that. Moving to Nigeria was not an option for me, so I asked him if he would be willing to move to the United Kingdom, He said yes and we began to work on his papers. Getting him to the UK was quite expensive but I liked him enough and truthfully started considering marriage.
I made sure we didn’t start anything serious until he got to the UK and still liked me. He got a job and started earning very well, he was committed and hard-working he took well to instructions and was open to my counsel most of the time the few times we disagreed it was on ignorable issues.

After a year, I decided I wanted to be married I brought up the subject and he agreed with me. We got married, I got pregnant and we had our first baby, my mother came to the house to help us care for the baby when my mother was leaving, she told me “I was a terrible wife and my husband is like a dam that has been collecting water but may break at any time” Why did my mother say this? She said it was from observing the way I communicate with my husband at home. He said my husband seems more like my houseboy or employee rather than my husband. My mother didn’t say a word to my husband about this she only asked me to adjust because things would most likely blow up in my face sooner or later. My mum didn’t know the kind of relationship I have with my husband, she was a second wife of a very rich man, I am a modern woman with different roles and values and my husband understands this.

My husband told me that he wanted to buy some plots of land back home.  He said it was cheap because it was a distressed sale I asked if the land was in Rivers State or Akwa Ibom State, He said Akwa Ibom and I said I am not interested I can only buy land in Rivers State, I am from Rivers State.

My husband asked me to change my name to his name and I said no, It takes too much trouble to change the name back after a divorce, I have read about it and I would rather keep my own name. Yes, indeed, I often talk of divorce whenever we argue just to get him to do whatever I want I usually don’t mean it but I have noticed that I was no longer comfortable in the marriage.

My husband stopped sleeping with me I had the baby in April and since then he lost interest in our “matrimonial bed” This led me to search through his phone and I discovered he had joined a dating site and was looking for a long-term relationship. I was on Facebook once, and a lady chatted me up on Facebook Messenger, and from her conversation with me, I realized she had assumed she was chatting with my husband, when I replied to her she stopped chatting with me immediately. I must have said something to spook her off. Why would this man be cheating on me? I confronted him and he said he was tired of being married to a man Sir, I am not a man but I told him everything about who I was before he agreed to marry me, I didn’t change So where did all the “I am tired of being married to a man come from?” I also know he bought properties in Akwa Ibom and kept the documents with his mother. I saw the evidence on his phone before he changed the password to keep me out of his life. Why would he do that? His mother came to the house for a visit. I know he must have reported me to her and she came to help us walk through the issues. She said I should tone it down, wear bum-short, use make-up, smile and be warm, be respectful and submissive.
I didn’t get it, I am working and so is he. We split the bill of the house in half every month, he was not the sole provider so why was his mum telling me to do the things full housewives in a traditional marriage were conditioned to do? My mum and his mum did not understand the context, I didn’t cheat and I didn’t change. He changed and he cheated and they were still telling me somehow it is my fault. He said he didn’t mind being with a woman like me I didn’t force him into the marriage and I didn’t pretend. Somehow he caught a porcupine but expected it to become a squirrel after he had gotten it home.

I have thought through this and I am now resolved we need to get a divorce. This marriage can’t work! Her Husband said: I don’t feel like a man in my own home I feel emasculated, My wife would walk through the house looking at the chores I was supposed to do and if I got anything wrong, she would lash me like a teacher does to a bad student. So at a point, I stopped doing house chores altogether. I used to buy things in bulk so that we could have abundance in the house, my wife would call me vain and consumption-minded. “All you do is spend and pursue vain dreams instead of saving and facing reality” I cannot correct my wife, she reserved the right to correct my fault but I dare not say “Darling, you could have done things in a better way” She will turn it into a fight and keep malice for days.

She eventually told me she did not want my mother or her mother to visit again, I asked her why she said they were conspiring with me to make her who she is not. We discussed changing her name to mine, she said she would do it when her passport expires. When the passport expired, she didn’t do it I asked her why. She said she forgot sir;what sort of flimsy excuse is that? If she says the marriage is over, I accept If she wants it to continue, she must let me be the man,
she must change.

PS: A word of counsel for the couple, if you can Please be candid but do not insult, these are believers facing a crisis.
Thank you.

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